The point of no return

“She has gone.” He sobbed.
“Did you ever raise your hands on her?” she asked softly. There was no answer. “Did you hurt her anytime?” she repeated. He lay his head on the table, his face ensconced within his arms. “Yes”, his voice a barely audible whisper.

Somehow that single admission changed the whole perspective. The issue had become “Abuse” now. Appearances could be so deceptive; she thought. This man sitting in front seemed so vulnerable and broken.

Why did this change everything? She was aware that mere words could sometimes inflict deeper wounds than physical abuse. Yet resorting to violence especially against your spouse sounded so bestial.

What is it that provokes a person to raise their hands to inflict injury on another? Among the lower strata of society, the act needed minimum provocation. It was a way of life and neither the perpetrator nor victim let it disrupt routine life. Perhaps that included routine.

However, in the so called cultured, sophisticated society, the terminology and connotations were different. What goes wrong in a relationship, especially one that had been forged through love and passion? When and how does hatred, contempt creep in? How does the layers of feeling get eroded and frayed over the years? When does the equation get reduced to such a level that one stoops to using physical strength with scant respect to one’s spouse? Mere instinct? Just uncontrollable rage? A level of complacence?

She could not judge. She did not know the whole story. She had known them individually, and both were such good persons. But together, they turned out wrong for each other. Who would’ve imagined? And violence? She couldn’t even believe it. Just goes to show that one could never fathom humans or relationships. She felt helpless and desolate thinking of her two friends trapped in matrimony.

Horizon Hues

She stood next to him, leaning on the parapet wall overlooking the deep blue waters. Both of them kept their blank gazes focussed on the slithering silhouettes of the fish. She was conscious of his nearness, they were just short of touching. The fabric of his shirt and her duppatta were immersed in a playful revelry of their own. She was looking at him from the corner of her eye, when he suddenly turned to look at her full in the face. Startled, she looked away hastily but not before noticing a naughty glint in his eye. She felt like a thief caught red handed. Her mind raced trying to think of some small talk. He was about to say something, but stopped short of uttering the words. Unspoken thoughts lay saturated in the pink twilight mist.

Something had changed suddenly. Perhaps it had not been sudden, it had been creeping upon them slowly, stealthily. Only they had not noticed it. Or may be they had sensed it approaching but chose to ignore it? Thoughts and ideas had simply flowed between them unhindered. She knew his past and he knew her present. They had just woven their notions, opinions through the frontiers of time unfettered by emotions. There had been no confusion…until now? The skyline was turning grey.

Today was different. Why? A web was being woven and they seemed to be getting enmeshed. Feelings had entered silently, words that emerged from the mind took a detour through the heart and got lost at the lips. Silence loomed large. The horizon was tinged red.

He abruptly straightened himself. Folding his arms resolutely across his chest, he gazed beyond the horizon. Without looking at her, his voice barely above a whisper, “Its getting late. You better get back. I too have to leave. I’ll get you a cab “. He turned and started walking. For a moment, she stood looking at his receding figure, then wrapping her duppatta closely around her, she stepped forward, “Please don’t bother. I’ll take a rick. There’re a few waiting over there.”

She hurried ahead without a backward glance. The chill dusk was closing in. He turned back again to look at the blurred black skyline.

Remorse

Sharada was deeply immersed in the book she was reading when her assistant (household help) Leela spoke to her hesitantly:

“Akka, I was actually considering quitting at the end of this month and so when you told me yesterday that you had dreamt the situation, I was shocked, taken aback that I could not reply then.”

Leela’s faltering words succeeded in seizing Sharada’s attention totally from the book she was reading. Sharada kept the book aside and turned to Leela. She had no inkling that Leela was considering quitting. In fact, when she had seen the scene in her dream that of Leela making the announcement that she was about to quit, Sharada was more amused and had recounted to Leela her dream. She had been confident that the situation would not transpire. Sharada was jolted when Leela announced that she was indeed considering the option.

Leela had seemed most content and Sharada too was very happy with the former’s honesty and efforts. Sharada believed that she had been treating Leela with respect and dignity. Sharada asked her to clarify.
Leela hesitantly murmured:

“Akka, everywhere else where I work, they have increased my pay bit by bit. Its only here that the pay has remained the same since the past 5 years… In fact some of the others where I work have even begun grumbling that I’m working for you for much lesser than what they give. And the prices have increased so much that it has become very difficult to pull on. Last month was very difficult what with my father- in –law being hospitalized.”

Leela’s voice was breaking by now.

Stung with remorse, Sharada was at a loss for words. Actually, she had wondered each time she gave Leela her monthly wages, if she shouldn’t be raising the amount, but then since she had begun with a fairly good value, and Leela seemed quite satisfied, she had taken it for granted that Leela would mention if it wasn’t enough. Sharada admonished herself for not having thought of it on her own.

“Leela, I had not realized your predicament. I just assumed that since you did not mention anything everything was fine. I realize now that I should’ve done the needful earlier and not brought the situation to this point. I wish you had told me. You mean that if I had not actually told you about this dream of mine, you would’ve just quit at the month end and I would have never known the reason?”

Leela smiled sheepishly through unshed tears. She struggled to find her voice.
“Akka, it is very difficult for me to put in words my dire situation and helplessness. I was hoping you would observe and come to the decision on your own without me having to make a request.”


Sharada was filled with guilt. She understood that Leela’s tears were not because of her poverty or difficulties. It was more about having had to speak about her helplessness to her. Sharada felt ashamed that she had allowed the circumstances to reach this juncture. She decided to make amends at the earliest, however she would’ve to discuss with her husband too. Sharada assured Leela that she would let her know of her decision the next day.

Sharada waited for Leela to come the next day.
“Leela, both my husband and I feel that we have not done the right thing by you. We should have raised your pay without your having to bring our attention to it. We are terribly sorry for the lapse and we would like to make amends by paying the surplus for last year. Please accept it.”

Leela smiled, “No akka, please don’t feel bad. And please don’t misunderstand me, but I cannot accept the payment for the past months. Just give me the raise from next month onwards. That will be enough.”

Sharada tried her best to persuade Leela to accept the pending payment but Leela politely refused. Sharada was left holding the money in her hand and her heart was filled with admiration for this woman of dignity and self respect.

Sharada was grateful for the dream that precipitated the turn of events or she would’ve lost a good, honest assistant and missed knowing a person of such dignity.

Something lost, Something missing

Far away in my village
A tree fell
Staked out from its roots…
Verdant Guardian since centuries
Simply down to dust
In a singular moment!
Steady, sturdy presence
Essence of the village persona
Now no more?

It came down with a deafening noise
Breaking thru the silence
Shook the villagers
The sight that met their eye
Of the Glory now prostrate
Chilled their hearts….

And yet the next morning
The sun rose
From the east
Like nothing was amiss!

They wanted to build a
Platform around it…
It was a bad omen
Some said

Today, when I close my eyes
I can still see the quivering leaves
I can still hear
Their ceaseless whispers…
But when I open my eyes
There is just the barren dust…
And some crisp, crumbly roots…

Something less, something missing
From my soul…
A piece of me was uprooted too
That day when the canopied splendour
Came crashing down
To meet the earth…

context:http://ardramaamsandhyakal.blogspot.com/2005/01/rustic-splendour.html

Shabd- The movie

Producer/s: Pritish Nandy and Rangita Nandy
Director: Leena Yadav
Cast: Sanjay Dutt, Aishwarya Rai and Zayed Khan
Music: Vishal-Shekhar
Lyrics: Irshad Kamil and Vishal Dadlani (guest lyricist)


This can’t be called a review – its just my response to the film as I watched it- my way of perceiving it…
I had been wanting to see this movie based on the little info that I had gathered from here and there- the reviews that I had come across were quite discouraging and unflattering- and yet I knew I wanted to see it- my curiosity had been nudged- and when they relayed it on Star Gold this weekend, I watched it eagerly- and frankly I enjoyed it.

The theme is yet again love triangle- except that the third angle has the older woman – younger man scenario.
The husband- Shaukat Vasisht- Sunjay Dutt, Anatara Vasisht- his wife- Aishwarya Rai, and Yash- Zayed Khan.

While the circumstances leading to the younger man- older woman relationship is not very plausible, I could understand the plethora of emotions and conflicts that the situation led to…The questions raised, the doubts faced- the justifications, the validations, the imbibed conditioned thinking , the concept of rights and wrongs- - all seemed very genuine and realistic. To me, it seemed like a very honest peek into the psyche of the characters…

Shaukat Vasisht- a writer who was facing a lot of criticism with his last creative venture- is determined to overcome his writer’s block and regain his audience. He was specifically accused of writing unreal/ fantasy stuff- and so he wants to give ‘real’ to his readers- he looks around for his hidden muse- finds his beautiful wife- Antara (whom he calls Tamanna in his thoughts)- and decides to ‘employ’ her as his muse- he attempts to prise open her comfortable shell of self complacent contentment- probes her to delve within and search for repressed discontent- seek her hidden true self…tho Antara is baffled in the beginning- she claims complete contentment…she slowly begins to wonder on these lines- and this path to self discovery is catalysed by the appearance of a new younger co- worker- Yash.

Shaukat is excited by this new character, and encourages Antara to explore new possibilities in relationships. He is obsessed with the experimentation of his new topic- Woman, the Forbidden boundaries- the concepts of Rights and Wrongs wrt relationships.
Though Antara refuses to comply initially, he convinces her to withhold her marital status from Yash. Antara is uncomfortable with this especially because Yash makes his affection for her pretty obvious. However, Antara begins to enjoy his exuberance (which first, she had found annoying), his mischief- and of course his attention and admiration. She discovers little joys in his company- like spontaneity, uninhibited laughter- and enjoying little, trivial things in life- all those which she had forgotten existed- she realises that she had simply fallen into the expected groove with marriage- comfortably and conveniently performing her duties as a loving wife – and though she loved her husband- and had no regrets- she rediscovered the joy of living in Yash’s company! And now she is afraid of falling in love with Yash…

Shaukat notices the changes in Antara- he understands what is happening- and believes that everything was happening as he conceived for his story plot- the writer in him is excited and thrilled- but the husband in him is beginning to worry and get insecure, scared and sad- the conflict begins in his head- between Shaukat the writer, and Shaukat the husband…

Yash, blissfully ignorant that he was playing a part, is happily in love- he tells Antara the qualities that he finds in her endearing- her hesitations, her coyness, her laughter, her holding back…and Antara feels helpless- she is caught in between his affection and her loyalty to her husband.

It dawns on Shaukat that perhaps Antara ws developing a soft corner for Yash- and that it was time for the husband to intervene and reclaim his wife- he decides that the ‘character’ Yash had to die- and he inserts Yash’s “suicide” into his plot.

Antara meanwhile is unable to cope with new emotions for Yash, sense of deceit and guilt , and her convictions about “rights” and “wrongs”. She confesses to Yash about her marital status- admitting that while Yash had brought into her life a gift of joyful moments- and that she would cherish the memories of the wonderful moments that they had shared…she was very happy and in love with her husband. Yash is devastated but wishes her well and moves away gracefully.

Shaukat at first is disappointed that real life had moved away from his ‘script’- Antara is aghast that he had been seeking/ weaving a story out of her life, that he had been egging her on to “let go” of conditioned thinking, her ideas of rights and wrongs for the sake of his creativity- she confronts him accusing him of insensitivity and ignorance of the ways how reality worked- she tries to make him realise that Fiction was different from the real world…when real individuals and real time emotions were involved.

But Shaukat is unable to take it- he was by now enmeshed in a web of his own making- that of creative obsession! He had been proud that he was able to chart and predict uncannily how the characters in his story would speak and behave. He was convinced that his words were powerful and self fulfilling! He was sure that Yash would commit suicide because he had penned it so- and now the prospect terrified him- he tottered between real world and fiction and was unable to make a difference- he keeps on searching frantically for the last page of his story to change the climax-

Antara realizes what was happening to him- she tries to assure him in vain that his words would not prove prophetic- but Shaukat was too far gone from reality by now- he has to be admitted into a re-hab centre, and she is confident that some day he would return to her …

I liked the metaphors, the imagery- the direction- the play of the raindrops on Sunjay Dutt’s face- I lack the knowledge to describe such things technically except to say that I liked it-

I liked Sanjay’s acting- but wished that they had other actors play the role of Antara and Yash. Aishwarya of course looked beautiful but Aishwarya’s mannerisims masked Antara- and so also with Zayed…however as the story progressed, I forgot to notice the indiscrepancies- the characters of Antara and Yash loomed larger, tho I’m not sure it was because of their acting prowess or my own involvement with the story.
Sadia Siddiqui in the role of the domestic help tho miniscule- was impressive.

Though the idea of a writer husband encouraging his wife to have an affair for the sake of his creativity sounds too far fetched- the questions raised were very genuine –

And it often happens with me that while I do enjoy the nuances, the dialogues- the direction while watching a movie- most of the time on retrospect I tend to remember a movie less favourably with passage of time, so I wrote this out before the ‘feeling’ evaporated.

I remember, many years ago there was a similar story attempted in Malayalam- I think the name of the movie was “Rachana”meaning “composition” in which the writer husband ( Bharath Gopi) persuades his wife ( Srividya) to encourage the affections of a very naïve, simpleton co-worker ( Nedumudi Venu) - and then finally invites him over to their home for dinner- and there the husband makes his appearance- the co worker is shocked, embarassed and mortified- so much that he commits suicide - the wife is unable to handle the guilt and becomes insane, and the wretched husband is left to repent and regret forever…

The Eternal Wait

The sound of the approaching train barged into her senses and she was startled out of her stupor. Subconsciously she moved into the “waiting” mode. It took some moments for her to remember that she had nothing to wait for. Her wait had ended two years and four months ago…She knew that and yet but her heart still continued to wait – it seemed to refuse to believe and accept that her wait had come to an end…she had been programmed to wait and could not be deprogrammed!

Before the wait had ended two years ago, the sound of the approaching train meant that he was about to arrive- it meant anticipation, increased heart beats, excitement as she waited for the approaching footsteps. The moments ticked by heavily, each leaving a footprint in her heart. Her ears would be alert to every rustle outside her door- her world would be reduced to just a single all pervasive action- that of waiting…

As the familiar footsteps approached, she’d get into a tizzy of excitement, sheer happiness. She’d rush to open the door- and there he’d be standing outside towering over her at the doorstep- that first moment would freeze- him looking at her and she at him- only after a few moments , would both of them come back to the mortal world- and she would step aside, to let him in- the moment she closed the door with her heart in her mouth, he would swoop her into his arms – and she’d cradle his neck with hers….

Now it was two years since he had left- forever- her wait had come to an end- but even now, when she heard the sound of the approaching train, her senses perked up in reflex- she could not unlearn it- For her, the wait had become Eternal- the wait for the footsteps that would never reach her door…

The Wall Of Silence

Silence, Silence, Silence…why did he never reply? She had called out so many times, but it was like he never heard her cries….but she knew he would’ve heard- he just chose not to respond- Why had she been chosen for silence? Did he think his silence was louder than his words? Did he think she could hear his thoughts through silence? Did he expect her to understand his unspoken words?

Or was it that he did not want to respond? But if so then why? What had she done to deserve this silent treatment?

She was sure she had given him no reason to rebuff her thus..or had she? Nothing that she could recall…or perhaps he had misunderstood her at some point in the past? Perhaps he had misinterpreted her words- sensed some unimplied meaning to her actions?? May be he was not used to her kind of expressions? May be he perceived her words, actions in a way different from what she had intended?

But how would she know the reason unless he broke his vow of silence? Unless he told her what he thought/felt? She could not read his mind…how could she clarify otherwise- reassure him that she had implied nothing offensive in thought, word or deed???